Sunday, 12 June 2011

A long trip

I broke one of the chairs in my house.
Yes I know it's not the end of the world, what's just one chair you'd say?
It's not the breaking of the chair that is making me nervous and quake in my boots. No, it is the actual replacing of the chair that I fear most.
Because that means Ikea.
What is it about that place that inspires such hatred and panic in people?
Why is that place so damn boring?
It had even reached the point where whenever I see blue and yellow together I get a twitch in my eye.
I was determined this time to change the status quo though. No, not chance my opinion of the place, but get through it quicker.
Like pulling off a plaster.
Or shagging that girl you find at the end of the night because everyone else has gone home.
Even entering the main door feels like walking through the gates of hell, and no, I'm not being melodramatic.
Whilst rounding what seemed to be the thousandth corner I finally stumbled upon an area I will just refer to as the 'Chair Kingdom'.
Now I am not a perfectionist so the chair that closest resembles the broken one will do. None of the chairs match much anyway. Even so this could take a while.
The place is packed, as if everyone suddenly broke their chairs too in some defiant notion against formal dinner plans.
I tried to get in there quickly, find my chair and flee but I am stopped by an army of the confused. As I spied a chair close to my original a woman of alarming size sat upon it, her mass pointed away from myself. I'm pretty sure if you combined all of the women that I have sex with, the resulting mass would be close to this woman.
Now, I can't, or rather, won't care to describe how it looked when she sat down. All I will say is that if I bought that type of chair now and took it home...
All I'd see is her flowing over it for eternity.......

Read the rest of this story in:
'Sex Games' by Mouna Lott and T.H.Rusty
Out October 2011

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